Understanding the Roots of Perfectionism

“No matter how hard I try, it still doesn’t feel like enough.”

Sound familiar? Maybe you re-read emails three times before hitting send. Maybe your homework isn’t really done until it’s polished, perfect, and prettier than anyone asked for. Maybe you’re sitting at your desk at 11:57 p.m. tweaking a slide deck even though your coworkers already told you it’s great.

This is the sticky grip of perfectionism. It wears a disguise—ambition, motivation, responsibility—but underneath it is often one driving fear: What if I’m not good enough?

And when anxiety joins the party (which it often does), it turns up the volume on everything. Anxiety says, “You’d better make this flawless or something bad will happen.” Perfectionism replies, “Okay, let me just triple-check this one more time.” And around and around we go.

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism isn’t about being picky. It’s not about “having high standards.” It’s about safety. Somewhere along the line—often in childhood—we learn that mistakes equal disapproval. That love and success feel conditional. That being “enough” means being excellent all the time.

Perfectionism can come from:

• Big praise tied only to performance (“You’re such a good girl for getting an A!”)

• Criticism that made you feel like mistakes = failure

• Unspoken cultural messages about who you're supposed to be—smart, successful, kind, but not too assertive or needy

• Anxiety that tells you, “If you don’t control everything, something will go wrong.”

So, we try harder. We make ourselves smaller. We get gold stars but never feel gold inside.

What perfectionism looks like in school or college

In academic settings, perfectionism can quietly steal your joy for learning. Instead of curiosity or exploration, school becomes a proving ground.

You might:

• Procrastinate—not because you're lazy, but because the pressure to do it perfectly feels paralyzing.

• Rewrite the same sentence ten times.

• Avoid asking questions in class because you're afraid of sounding “dumb.”

• Push yourself to exhaustion trying to juggle grades, extracurriculars, internships, and, oh yeah, having a life.

And here's the frustrating twist: perfectionism doesn’t actually make things better. It makes things harder. Anxiety goes up, confidence goes down, and sometimes the very things you're working so hard to achieve—like good grades—start to slip because you’re simply too overwhelmed.

What perfectionism looks like at work

In the professional world, perfectionism just puts on heels.

You might:

• Stay late to fix things that didn’t really need fixing

• Feel crushed by feedback, even when it's kind or constructive

• Doubt your accomplishments (“They’ll figure out I’m faking it”)

• Have trouble asking for help or saying no (because then someone might think you’re not capable)

Even when people around you are praising your work, it doesn’t seem to land. Perfectionism and anxiety together often sound like: “Sure, I did that—but it wasn’t that impressive.”

This constant need to earn your worth? It’s exhausting. And unsustainable.

Why perfectionism and anxiety love each other (but don’t love you)

Here’s the psychological version of a toxic relationship: anxiety fuels perfectionism, and perfectionism fuels anxiety. Anxiety says: “You better not mess this up.” Perfectionism says: “Let me make sure I never do.” But the bar keeps moving. The list never ends. And the rest you were hoping to earn by being perfect? It never comes.

What’s underneath it all is usually this belief: “I’m only valuable if I’m doing everything right.” That belief—unexamined—can chip away at your confidence, your joy, and your sense of self.

Especially for women, perfectionism is reinforced everywhere: be smart but not too opinionated, successful but humble, driven but flexible, confident but not intimidating. It’s a performance no one can keep up forever.

What therapy can do to help

You can step off the perfectionism-anxiety hamster wheel—and therapy is one of the safest places to do it.

• CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) helps you catch those unhelpful perfectionist thoughts in the moment (“If I don’t get this right, I’ll fail”) and gently replace them with more realistic ones.

• ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) teaches you to notice the thoughts without being consumed by them—and to take action based on your values, not your fear.

• Person-Centered Therapy gives you the space to be fully human—flaws, doubts, and all—and reminds you that worth isn’t something you have to earn.

With support, you can build a new internal voice—one that sounds less like a critic and more like a wise, encouraging friend. One that says: You’re already enough. Even when the to-do list isn’t done. Even when it’s a B, not an A. Even when you’re resting.

Final thoughts

Perfectionism doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you adapted to a world that rewarded performance and discouraged vulnerability. But you don’t have to keep proving yourself to be worthy of peace.

If you’re tired of chasing “enoughness,” if you’re ready to stop measuring your value by output, therapy can help you come home to yourself.

You deserve to feel proud of your work—without anxiety whispering that it still isn’t good enough.

Let’s rewrite the script. You in?